Pigeons Equal Pigeon Poo November 10, 2008

I recently had the creepy experience of having a pigeon take a tumble down my chimney…

Pigeons, pigeons everywhere!

photo courtesy: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1071991

Until I figured out what it was – it was rather scary… since what I was hearing was sratching, and thumping noises coming from one wall of my bedroom. It took me a bit to figure out the distressing sounds were coming from the chimney. Longer still to pluck up the courage needed to investigate – having already dealt with a pile of crickets in the flue, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to find out what was making this much noisier racket.

Pigeons and doves are something of a nuisance around here. In fact, pigeons are considered serious pests. And considering my opinion of them as disease ridden filth mongers, I’m OK with that outlook.

Not wanting to become like this guy (shudder!) I did my best to free the clumsy Columbidae, however, to no avail. What I found was a dead bird. At least I found it before it began to smell… or before I opened the flue to have a fire. Ew.

Now, before anyone thinks, “Awww, it’s just a pigeon! What’s the harm?” Let me ask: have you ever seen what dozens, yes, dozens of those flying rats can do? It’s not pretty.

Pigeon poo is nasty stuff… and should you have to have any workmen on your roof for whatever reasons, they get very nasty about dealing with excess pigeon poo. Nasty to the point of charging extra if it’s really bad.

These birdies carry all sorts of ickiness with them (nothing against those who keep domestic pigeons for whatever reason – flying, racing, etc but the “wild” population are nasty, dirty birds!)

Yeah, I’m aware I’m gonna get hate mail from bird lovers, the Humane Society, etc. Fine.

The bottom line is this: I have asthma, and there is a genuine risk of airborne problems thanks to excessive pigeon poo. I have a roof that is reasonably new, but slowly being damaged by excessive pigeon poo. And quite frankly, I’m sick to death of not being able to enjoy the gorgeous shade provided by a particularly lovely and large tree in my yard because, you guessed it, there is an excessive amount of pigeon poo already under it, and “enjoying” the shade also means becoming a target for fresh pigeon poo.

Not happening.

I am officially declaring war on the birdy brethren that flock to my rooftop and trees for no good reason (it’s not like I feed the nasty things!)

I don’t care how many cabinets I have…AKA: gadgets you won’t find wasting my counter space November 5, 2008

Yea, alright, so we all know I’m a sucker for kitchen goodies. And we all know I am the happy owner of a kitchen that actually has more than enough cabinet and counter space.

Yes, such a thing does exist!

That does not, however, mean I am going to clutter it up with tons of One-Trick Wonders and Whiz-Bang Gadgets.

I’m kinda old fashioned like that. Sure, I’ve got a food processor, and a blender, and a crock pot, and a microwave and toaster, and one of those cool stick blenders (that also has a cool mini food chopper attachment). Notice the only real one-trick pony in that bunch is the toaster, and it’s to be forgiven, since there just ain’t no other way to make decent toast, and don’t tell me about toaster ovens, it’s not the same. You’ll even find a bread machine in my kitchen.

What you will not find anywhere in my kitchen are gadgets that are so specialized they only do one thing.

There are no omelette pans (thank you, I do quite well with a basic skillet), no electric hot water heater thingys (umm… tea kettle? Pot on the stove? Microwave that mug?), etc.

And yes, I’m on the catalog list of just about every kitchen gadgetry and gizmo provider. I have a basket that holds catalogs I may find interesting, the rest simply go in the trash. At any given moment, you’re likely to find a King Arthur Flour or Williams Sonoma book in that basket. (Special note: neither of those places are immune from the silly gadget department… I’m just sayin’.)

And then came along FingerHut… What the hell? How did I get on that mailing list?

Curiosity got to me, and I flipped through it… then laughed… and laughed some more…

Someone please tell me who on earth spends $40, and gives up valuable counter/cabinet space in the average kitchen for this item:

So um... I guess the grill is out?

Now, let me be perfectly clear here – I do not care for hotdogs to begin with. But, even I recognize them as a staple of American households. But why on earth would I want to put an electric hotdog cooker in my kitchen? $40 and lost cabinet/counter space to a tool that does one thing, that can just as easily be done by any number of other methods?? Please!

That wasn’t the only sample of culinary craziness. Oh no. There was also this charming gadget, again $40:

Wow, I couldn't manage one without it!

Holy smokes! Please, someone, explain why anyone would need an electronic gadget to make a quesadilla? Please?

Alright, one more… This one I can almost… almost… understand. If you have a large family, or are frequently cooking for crowds, or something like that.

Because by hand is such a pain

Because peeling onions and potatoes is such a pain, you should have a gizmo to do it for you, right? Again, I can almost understand it… almost… I just can’t get around spending $70 on it.

And I know I can’t wrap my head around cleaning any one of these wired gadgets – each requiring special handling, rather than the typical – dunk it in a sink of sudsy water, scrub and rinse.

I’m a happy convert to the ranks of bread machine owners – that tool makes sense. Dump in the stuff and walk away. It turns breadmaking from a three-plus hour, labor-intensive project, to one that takes mere minutes. I still prefer my bread done by hand though.

Now I’m on a quest! Stay tuned for future installments of crazy, why-would-you-waste-your-money-or-space-on-that gadgets, gizmos, whiz bangs, doodads, thing-a-ma-bobs and whats-its.

Holiday Decor – it’s that time of year again… October 10, 2008

It happens every year… Immediately on the tail of all the Back-to-School sales, it starts.

What starts? The holiday madness of course!

I remember as a kid eagerly awaiting the time when the Halloween stuff would hit the shelves, usually not until the very end of September, sometimes even early October. It was an anxious time full of anticipation.

Now, that stuff seems to come out while the shelves are still full of the marked-down school supplies not yet snatched up in the annual frenzy.

Yeah, I’ve carped about this before. But this year, a trip to the local Wal-Mart (a place I visit only when there is no other choice) had me actually stopping in my tracks – thankfully, the incredibly large woman behind me, she who was pushing an already full cart, dragging along a small child or six, talking loudly on her cell phone and simultaneously rummaging through the suitcase that served as her purse, managed to avoid running into me. My bad. I should know better than to stop in that hell hole.

But I digress.

I had rounded a corner and come face to face with an end-cap display that featured charming, 3-feet tall, motion-activated, waving seasonal characters. Wanna guess?

Side-by-side, there they sat: a green-skinned, hook-nosed witch all in tattered black, toting her broom stick and waving a gnarled hand whilst emiting a chilling cackle and the almost cehrubic-looking guy in bright red velvet, sack tossed over one shoulder, black boots gleaming, gloved hand waving and rosy cheeks dimpled in an impish grin, chortling “Ho Ho Ho!”

Ah! This was too much!

A quick scan of the area proved this wasn’t an error. Nor was it a single instance of holiday mismatch. Nope. It was all over.

Green pine garland nestled next to black crepe.

Twinkly icicle lights shimmered beside orange, glowing Jack-o’-Lantern lights.

It’s all well and good to lament the over-commercialization of holidays. But this is marketing madness to an extreme, I think. If I start seeing New Year’s decorations and accessories before Thanksgiving, and Valentine’s frouf before Christmas, I may lose my sanity entirely.

And by the way – I happened to love The Nightmare Before Christmas – but this is not my idea of the ideal pumpkin carving:

I've heard of mixing metaphors, but....

What to do with an olive tree September 17, 2008

When first moving into this house, I knew there was an olive tree in the corner of the back yard. Aside from the obvious mess I knew it would cause, and worrying about a certain canine tracking mooshed olive goo in on her feet, I didn’t give it another thought. Not really, anyway…

Then, said canine came in munching and chomping and terribly enjoying some small, roundish thing that when plucked from her mouth smelled distinctly of olive. Ugh! A quick Internet search proved olives were not in fact dangerous to doggies, and worries of her tracking in goo vanished as I realized she’d happily clean any goo off her feet…But, what to do with this tree full of olives?

The whithered remains of last year

Olives, it seems, cannot simply be enjoyed off the tree. Nope not even the ripe ones. They’re nasty, bitter creatures that require curing before they’re even vaguely edible (oh, and when discussing the opposite of edible, I much prefer inedible, as opposed to uneatable…is that even a word?)

Since I’m not known for having a wealth of free time, and I just cannot see myself engaging in any of these various curing methods (ummm…lye??), visions of home-cured olives have quickly given way to visions of chopping down said tree and replacing it with something less messy…

Like bougainvillea, or jacaranda…either of which would be less mess than this mushy, black-fruit dropping thing.

Why olive? If you’re gonna have a tree that drops crap, why not…ohhhh….mulberry? At least they produce straight-off-the-tree edible fruit!

Pardon me, I’m about to go searching for a deal on chainsaws…and whether or not olive wood is good to burn in your fireplace. Firewood, I know how to cure!

Yummy? Not yet!

The art of the sell out… April 29, 2008

Let’s face facts, not everyone can make a living out of their “dreams” – most have to settle for something a little less stellar.

Not everyone can be a successful writer, singer, actor, artist, whatever. Even if you have the talent, the breaks don’t always exist, opportunity doesn’t always knock, and sometimes, even when it does knock, you don’t answer – maybe you’re afraid of taking the leap, maybe the sacrifices would be too great, maybe a lot of things.

Some are idealistic (and they’re usually either very young, very inexperienced, or have no interest in anything other than “concrete” sciences and occupations). To these idealistic souls, it’s a cut and dry thing: If you have talent, then you can get the jobs and fulfill your dream. Fail to do so and it means you don’t have talent.

Well, bullpucky.

I’ve known plenty of incredibly talented individuals who were not “living their dreams” and the reasons had nothing to do with lack of talent.

Similarly, the cries of “selling out” are bandied anytime some reasonably talented person opts to leverage their talent into a more lucrative, but perhaps less artistically pure, occupation.

Again, bullpucky.

Folks gotta eat. The rent’s gotta get paid.

So the incredible musician who opts to do nameless, uncredited studio work is accused of selling out, just as are his brethren who choose to make a commercial recording, appealing to the many instead of the few.

The writer who pays the bills by writing ad copy is pimping herself; so is the author who elects to write a trashy best-seller rather than a more serious piece.

So, let me get this straight – According to these folks, unless you are suffering for your talent, using your talent in a non-commercial way, or at least, if you are using it commercially, you’re apologetic about it and make sure it’s social conscious, morally responsible, and critically acclaimed, but not widely received otherwise, you’re “selling out.” And these same folks will say that unless you are able to achieve that success, you haven’t the talent to begin with.

Wait a minute. That seems awfully contradictory now, doesn’t it?

Of course it does!

And such is the nature of  art.

Many genuine artists in their craft simply can’t afford to take the risk- they can’t give up the regular paycheck in order to devote more time to their craft, and rely on the sometimes (often) irregular pay of freelance work.

Most workers know from whence and when their next paycheck comes. They usually even have a good idea of how much it will be. No such luxury exists for the freelancer in any genre. Who knows when the next gig, assignment, etc will come? Unless you’re talented, lucky and ambitious enough to be earning royalties on some work (oh wait, royalties would mean a commercial work, that’s selling out remember?) you just don’t know how much is coming in and when.

Of course, the artistic type could always simply give up, since they haven’t gotten the breaks, they obviously haven’t the “right stuff” and should “not give up their day jobs.” Or they could do what many do – they take a commercially lucrative job in a related field and pursue their passion as a “hobby.”

Selling out? I don’t think so! It’s called “surviving.”