The cricket on the hearth

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree - you’re such a pain in the butt to me!

Most of my decorating is done the weekend following Thanksgiving - but the tree, oh that little marvel of evergreen loveliness, it waits.

It waits because I don’t do a fake tree, but I still deal with the big tub of water, the pine needles and the inevitable stains on my light beige carpeting (what idiot decided light beige carpeting was a wise choice? Probably the same idiot who thinks kitchen counter tile with wide grout lines is attractive. Grrr. But I digress.)

And so, the annual trek to find The Magic Tree.

Last year had The BF bah-humbugging his way through countless tree lots, refusing several trees - ones I found perfectly acceptable - only to finally settle his grumbly, Scrooge butt on a 10′ monster tree - tall and skinny (because our living room is TALL, but narrow). So much for Scrooge. Bah humbug my fanny, okay?

It did look terrific, though I did not have anywhere near enough lights for such a huge thing. (Love those dark spots! It didn’t help that I had to restring the lights thanks to the dog knocking it over…) In fact, somebody remind me to take pictures immediately after decorating this year. Last year, I waited - and the pictures of the crooked, bedraggled and slightly askew tree prove it.

This year, we plan on getting something smaller since we’re leaving town on the 21st and not returning till late Christmas day. Why buy a huge tree. Why buy a tree at all? Because I want one, dammit!

Now, keep in mind, I have a 1 1/2 story ceiling in my living room - which means, a short tree looks silly.

Also keep in mind, I have Daisy The Christmas Tree Ball Munching Boxer From Hell, whose presence mandates I keep the lower three feet of tree fairly naked.

Which means - if I put up a 6′ tree - I’m only going to really have 3′ of decorated tree. This does not please me. It does not please me at all.

So, my genus little brain thought - well, why not simply put the smaller tree up on a sturdy table? That way, the smaller tree looks bigger and Daisy TCTBMBFH doesn’t eat the lower three feet.

I’m either an evil genius, or incredibly stupid (since I can imagine all sorts of bad things happening to a smaller tree up on a table… Yipe!)

For now, I’m rearranging furniture and  figuring on going tree shopping this weekend.

In the rain.

Photos to follow… stay tuned…

Count Your Blessings & De-stress!

Prompted by the constant onslaught of “how do you keep so calm with all the holiday stress?” stuff, and updated for 2007. If anything, I’m more relaxed this year, less stressed, enjoying what I have and not worrying about what I don’t.

This year, we’ll be doing a lot of driving at Christmas. The kids are with their dad, and we’re going to visit my sister, and then the BF’s parents - driving over the holiday weekend does not thrill me, but family does!

Is it crazy? Sure. Whose holiday isn’t? But that’s OK. It really is!

~~~

R.

Along with the holidays comes the immeasurable stress. The hassles of shopping, cooking, traveling, etc. All the extra people in our homes. Or the crowded homes of relatives. And like many women, I often feel overwhelmed by it all. On a message board I like to frequent, another Mom asked the question, “How do you deal with all the holiday stress?” As I sat back and thought about it for a moment, it occurred to me that I really didn’t feel stressed. On the contrary, I feel rather relaxed this season.

Do I have less to do than usual? No. More, in fact. Is there less stress, less hassle, less anything this year? Again, no. This year is much crazier, much more stressful than years past. So, what is the reason for my calm state? And then it hit me. Here is what I said:

I take a deep breath and remind myself what all the fuss is about! Seriously - I look at the bright side of things, and try to focus on the good stuff.

When family gets overwhelming — I think how much I miss my Grandfather, and how I wish he was still around to see my kids growing up. This year, 2007, I also think about Mom - this is our first Christmas without her. Suddenly, that family that IS around seems all the more precious.

House too full? I remind myself of all the people spending the holidays alone. I visit a nursing home, and see the lonely faces that brighten up at the sight of a stranger. My full house doesn’t seem so cramped anymore.

Stress over whose house to visit? At least there is a choice. Sit back, smile, make a “take turns” schedule and rejoice that you have so much family to choose from. Think of the soldiers, or others, away from home — who don’t HAVE that choice to make, I’m sure they’d be glad to have several places to visit.

All of the other hectic, crazy, holiday insanity? For every piece of negative — I can think of some positive. I can think of some reason to appreciate what I have.

I have a beautiful home (yes, it means decorating.) I have lots of family (a crowded house, lots to buy, cook, etc.) And for all of the hassle — I am thankful.

I miss the loved ones who are no longer here, and I would gladly put yet another plate on my table, another gift under the tree for them.

I don’t love holiday travel — but last year, I would have happily driven all over the country and back to have Mom with us at Christmas. Last year, she was ill and couldn’t travel — and life being what it was I couldn’t take the kids to her. This year, it’s not even an option and guess what? I’d cram my kids, all the food, all the packages and everything into a Mini Cooper with the tree tied on top, then drive across country and back if I could have one more Christmas with Mom.

So — how do I handle the stress? I count the blessings I have! Yes, those blessings mean more stress. But there are so many others who have far less than I.

Who gave me all of this crap?

Have you ever wondered about those gifts from the song “The 12 Days of Christmas”?

And since the lines repeat, does that mean that on Day 1, the lover gave a Partridge in a Pear Tree, and on Day 2, gave Two Turtle Doves and yet another Partridge in a Pear Tree, etc, etc, ad infinitum on down the line?

And I know I’ve seen some humorous thing regarding this - about getting sick of all the birds, the extra people around the house, the noise, the mess, etc. And filing a restraining order.

But, since I am not the type to leave well enough alone - I simply had to take my own twisted look at that lovely song. Most of us have probably heard or read some version of that parody/humor/whatever piece, and I decided it was time to look not at the gifts themselves, but at the aftermath of the gifts. Assuming that the gifts do, indeed repeat, here is my own take of “After the 12 Days of Christmas”. And so without further ado, here it is, my look at the sheer numbers represented.

The basic math:

The gift from Day one was received 12 times, and the gift from Day 12 was received only one time. So, the formula:

Number of times the gift was received X the number of items listed as the gift = Total items.

1 x 12 = 12 Drummers Drumming

2 x 11 = 22 Pipers Piping

3 x 10 = 30 Lords a-leaping

4 x 9 = 36 Ladies Dancing

5 x 8 = 40 Maids a-Milking

6 x 7 = 42 Swans a-Swimming

7 x 6 = 42 Geese a-Laying

8 x 5 = 40 Golden Rings

9 x 4 = 36 Calling Birds

10 x 3 = 30 French Hens

11 x 2 = 22 Turtle Doves

12 x 1 = 12 Partridges in Pear Trees

 

And the counts:

140 people (12+22+30+36+40)

184 Birds (42+42+36+30+22+12)

40 Golden Rings (40)

40 Cows or Goats (40 Maids a-Milking have to be milking something)

294 Goose Eggs (42 Geese a-Laying are laying at least one egg each per day for 7 days of the song - this number would obviously increase over time - unless you cook the geese, always a smart option.)

Unknown quantity of Pears (after all, 12 pear trees have to be producing SOME amount of fruit - but I am not familiar with how much a single pear tree would produce in a given amount of time.)

Unknown quantities of milk (those cows or goats being milked by the maids are producing some sort of product, right?)

This is of course not taking into account the 22 pipes being played, 12 drums being drummed, the lake, pond or tub for all those swimming swans and all of the cages or pens for the various bird life, not to mention the activity of the leaping lords and dancing ladies.

It is also not taking into account the amorous activities of any of the various bird life, and their potential offspring. Though we know there won’t be any geese or cows/goats, since they’re all girls (Since male geese do not lay eggs, last time I checked.) That still leaves the potential swans, calling birds, French hens, turtle doves and perhaps partridges. Please note, I said nothing of the critters being milked, since once again, they must all be of the female variety.

Oh yes, I’ve overlooked one gift item. The 40 golden rings, which had better be very large and weighty indeed in order to offset the cost of dealing with all the other junk.

So, what does one do with such an abundance of wealth?

You could argue that you could cook the birds to feed the people, though with 184 birds and 140 people, this would not work for long. You could cook the cows or goats, but again - that will only last for so long (and since, like the geese, they are not reproducing, they are not a renewable resource.)

The smart recipient would therefore:

~Promptly dismiss all of the people from service - ridding themselves of the need to support 140 hungry mouths, only 40 of which are really employed in any productive activity (I realize that piping and drumming are jobs, but…)

~Sell all but two of the cows or goats, keeping one to be butchered and one to be milked. (OK, you might retain one of those Maids a-Milking for this purpose.)

~Prepare and freeze about half of the edible poultry, if you like goose eggs, keep a couple for laying, and sell the remaining poultry.

~Plant a pear tree or two and sell the rest.

~Keep the gold rings you like and sell the remainder

Did I forget anything?

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Pretty sparkly stuff…

It’s a quiet Sunday morning - the kids are at church with their dad and the BF is out golfing, and I’m taking the opportunity to crank up the Twisted Christmas Tunes and put together a wreath.

Normally, Mom would have made one for me, but, since she’s not around anymore… I decided to do one myself. In keeping with my holiday theme, I kept it simple - just some beaded ribbon and sleigh bells on a lighted wreath.

Why on earth I got a lighted wreath is beyond me. I guess it will go next to my door instead on on my door (so, call me a dingbat, okay?)

And so…This:

and this:

Quickly became this:

Merry Christmas!