The Work Files - Parlez-Vous Français?

Warning - this post contains some strong language - just not in English.

“Mon Dieu!” and “Je n’ai aucun sens de modèle!”

Those were the phrases greeting me within the first paragraph of an article I was busily proofing. Fortunately, my limited grasp of French was enough to tell me what my charming little writer friend was saying was, in essence, “My God! I don’t know nothin’ about style.”

I’m sure there is a more attractive way of saying it, although, French being the language it is, you could tell someone to “piss up a rope” and it sounds better in that language than in others. (Excepting of course those people to whom anything and everything even remotely French is distasteful thanks to politics, but that’s another can of worms, n’est-ce pas?)

But I digress.

Where was I going? Oh yeah. This blasted writer who kept insisting on peppering his otherwise good and readable article with cutesy French phrases.

This job requires a command of the English language - as spoken and written in America - nobody ever said anything about dredging up my abysmal French, which tells me that statement may be grammatically correct, it also just feels stilted, formal… just… blah.

All of which really gives me the mad desire to call the man up and start hurling expletives at him…

Connard! Tas de merde! Tu me fais chier!

J’essaie de bosser putain!

Hey, I did not learn my French in school, okay?

The Work Files - Wordsmithing

Sometimes, my job is too exciting! Really.

Oh, you want an example? But of course. This morning’s pre-break efforts included renaming about two dozen digital images that the author couldn’t be bothered to do himself, resulting in such helpful file names as “127/48_00892xjc.jpg” followed by a rousing discussion with no fewer than three editors and a writer over whether the correct term for that little stick you use when applying a tourniquet is “windless” (as they kept insisting) or “windlass” (as Yours Truly kept insisting.)

Not that anyone really cares what it’s called when they are either applying it or in need of its being applied. I can’t imagine being in a life- or limb-threatening situation and saying, “It’s windlass, you idiot! Not windless. Now get over here and help me before this guy bleeds out!”

But, as evidenced by yesterday’s indecent proposal, I’m the poor stiff who gets the outraged reader calls informing us of our stupidity (okay, so the guy yesterday wasn’t outraged… some of them are.) I am also the Chief Officer of the Grammar and Spelling Police here, so when an error does come up in that arena, it’s usually a case of, “She said so…” or “Why didn’t she say so…” I have a vested interest in these things, so sue me.

Besides, this particular argument was one time when I could “outgun” the guys. Hey, y’all may have been cops, and trained as first responders, and all that happy stuff, but I’m the one who spent more than a few years in the back of a rig actually using those first aid skills on a daily basis. In fact, I’ve had the misfortune to apply a tourniquet once in my life - it was a bloody mess, literally.

With a little digging, and a little help from more than a few Web sites, my point was made.

It’s “windlass” you idiot, now shut up and twist!

Is that your comma?

It’s National Punctuation Day!

It’s called “punctuation” and it’s your friend!
Please correctly punctuate the following sentence:

A woman without her man is nothing

You can use whatever form of punctuation you desire, but you may not add or remove words. Punctuation is powerful, and can create very different meanings for that simple sentence above.

And, stolen from the pages over at the National Punctuation Day site (check out the truly interesting “love letter”):

Let’s eat, mommy.
Let’s eat mommy.

Quality service and attention to detail.
Quality, service, and attention to detail.

Don’t use commas, which are not necessary.
Don’t use commas which are not necessary.

Giant moving, sale Friday
Giant moving sale Friday

Punctuate this paragraph:
That that is is that that is not is not thats it that is.

Why punctuation is important to one’s sex life:

1. Pre-marital sex: What some people have before marriage.
2. Extra marital sex: What some people have in a happy marriage.
3. Extra-marital sex: What people have in a not-so-happy marriage.

If you’re having a lot of #3, you’re probably not having a lot of #2. It all depends where you place the hyphen.